Rants and Frustration Rather than Gratitude

OK:  if you want a Gratitude blog like most people are writing this week, go back a couple weeks. I wrote 100 Things I Am Grateful For.
Today I am frustrated. At least in this moment. An hour from now I will be content again (hopefully!) and focused on what I am grateful for. I will be aware of how much I have and that there are people out there who have it SO much worse than me.

But right now, in this moment, I am NOT. I am frustrated that I have gained weight in the last month rather than losing like my husband. Hmmmm. Could be because I get pretty much no exercise. I go through phases of beginning stretching regimens or yoga but then I hit a pain day and there it goes. I am happy I haven’t binged or done any eating on my feelings since I stopped seeing my father a few months ago. But the weight gain really pisses me off.
(I could really get into psycho analyzing myself here since my weight either high or low has always been an issue between my father and myself)

Another weight gain: my dog is fat again!!! I swear he goes up and down like a seesaw. And it’s on me! I feed him, he does not feed himself so it’s all about my concentrated effort or lack there of to get weight off him by feeding him less!  He always acts like he is starving! So I feel so bad cutting back his food, giving him less treats or no treats. He always gets a small treat when his brother gets his meds because I give his brother a treat then. His brother does not have a weight issue.

I also am frustrated with why the responsibility for the dog’s meds is totally on me. Well, not so much that but the fact that I am not perfect. I forget, every once in awhile, to give him his nighttime meds. And in the morning when I realize, when I see the pill in the night before’s little compartment, I feel bad, guilty and want to blame someone. I feel less than. A bad dog mother.

It reminds me of when our daughters were young, in school, back in the old days. I worked full time, did the family’s laundry, arranged the meals, made the meals, arranged all the appointments (doctors, dentists, whatever needed done) attended school conferences, school plays, took kids to the doctor, dentist, made sure they got up in the morning, took care of the dog’s meds, got up with sick kids in the night, got up with the seizing dog in the night, felt overwhelmed and not good enough. I wanted a day off from responsibility. Just one day.

Another thing I am somewhat upset about today is that I am going bald. (I am sure my friends/relatives are so tired of hearing about this)  I am grieving and I go through phases of feeling so sad and other very short phases of acceptance.
I have to admit: I am vain. At 55 and as overweight as I am, I am vain about my hair. Even people with cancer, grieve losing their hair.  A long time ago, I was attractive.
I was young, a normal healthy weight and had long blonde soft silky hair. I could wear eye make up back then. Now with sucky Sjogren’s Syndrome which makes my eyes super dry and irritated, I can no longer comfortably wear mascara, eye shadow or any make up close to my eyes.
I feel like Lauren Bacall’s character in The Mirror Has Two Faces. Grieving the outer me I used to be. And I didn’t appreciate her when she was here. I thought she was too fat.
So not only am I overweight (which I admit I can change) and 55(which I can’t) I am also going bald : (   and have dark circles under my eyes. Bummer.

I notice I seem to be more upset about going bald than the fact I have about twenty chronic illnesses. Well, at least at this moment.

Today I am not working. My kids are grown. The seizing dog has gone on to dog Heaven. I know everyone feels like this sometimes. We all want a day with no responsibility. And no grief issues.  No issues period!

Today I am probably as close to no responsibility as I could be in my life. I am only responsible for my dogs and myself. My husband is the one who works and pays the bills. Must be nice huh?

So why can’t I remember the freakin dog’s meds at night every night? Is that too much to ask?
Why can’t I make sure the dogs and myself get some exercise and lose some weight? Why can’t I stop being so vain and let go of my hair and my lack of mascara?
Oh well, guess I am just human. A work in progress. Always.

OK, rant over, got it off my chest. Mini issues. Mini problems. Not global warming. Not war, health care, life and death issues.

Back to Gratitude.
Thank God.

Life's Twists and Turns

Sam at age 5

Life’s Twists and Turns

We are a self-absorbed society. I am willing to admit I am part of it and spend a great deal of time, I am sure, being focused on ME. My health issues, my family, even working on improving myself emotionally and spiritually is being self absorbed at some level, even to be a better person.

I try to see things that other people are going through and be aware of their tragedies and pain as well as their triumphs and joy. I know I sometimes fail. We are all human.

An old friend’s daughter (we were best friends in high school and were each other’s maid/matron honor) was married this week with the entire wedding blitz of bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, and big wedding. We are not close enough anymore for my husband and I to have  been  invited to the wedding but I am friends with her on Facebook so have read all the pre and now post wedding stories.

The friend stated she is going to be depressed now that the wedding is over and her kids from out of town are heading home.

Her daughter who got married is 25. This friend and I were pregnant at the same time. I had placenta previa, hemorrhaged for twelve weeks (13 blood transfusions) and spent six weeks in the hospital. The rest of the time, I was in a hospital bed in our living room using a bedpan because I could not get out of bed.  Our two-year-old was home with me all day alone except for the short time period when a home health nurse came by to check on the baby and me. My husband (who is a saint) left snacks, juice, water, books and diapers on a table next to my bed for the day.  Our two-year-old was so great during that time. I hate to think about what would have happened had she gone down the hall, not come back and I would have had to go find her. She was wonderful about staying by me, playing and reading books laying next to me on the bed. We watched a lot of TV and movies!
We also had two older girls ages 8 and 6 that took the bus to school every morning and the bus home. They were both very responsible and helpful during that stressful time in our family.

We made many scary trips to the ER, running red lights all the way across town, all the way I would poke Lindsey in my belly to make sure she was still alive. Every jump or move she made was a miracle to me. When we’d get to the hospital and I’d see her heart blip across the monitor, I felt such gratitude.
At 26 weeks gestation though, I was losing more blood than they could get back into me. So my obstetrician (my friend and I also had the same doctor) had no choice but to perform an emergency casearean. Our daughter Lindsey Kate was born at 5 a.m. on December 6th, our wedding anniversary! She weighed one pound 7 and a half ounces and at first had an APGAR of 9.  I was unable to hold her when I came out of general anesthesia due to her very fragile condition. She was so very tiny but so beautiful. She had very fine blonde hair, just like two of her sisters. I then had an allergic reaction to one of the blood transfusions after her birth and was confined to bed. The girls had just had the stomach flu so were unable to go into the NICU to see their baby sister. Her dad was lucky enough to be able to spend time next to her incubator in the NICU.
The third morning after Lindsey was born she began failing. All her organs began shutting down. The neonatologist performed a total blood transfusion trying to give her the best chance but back in 1984, babies born that prematurely rarely were able to survive. Their tiny blood vessels in their brains are so fragile and burst easily at the slightest variation in oxygen level from the ventilator. So at 5 a.m. on Dec. 8th my husband and I were allowed to hold our beautiful daughter for the first and last time as she took her final breaths. Later, I was moved to the end of the hall to a private room and two days later convinced my doctor I needed to heal at home. I could not take another night n the maternity ward, listening to babies cry for their mothers.
 Lindsey’s  funeral was exactly one week after she was born.

This December 6th, 2009 our Lindsey Kate would be turning twenty-six years of age if she had lived. We never got to see her take her first steps, say her first words, enjoy her first day of school, share family holidays and vacations, or watch her graduate from high school or college. My daughter Sam, who was two when Lindsey was born has held a strange position in our family. She is the youngest and the baby of our family but she also is not. She is very intuitive and has a strong sense of this. She thinks of her baby sister often, has Lindsey’s pink lamb that lay beside Lindsey in her incubator on her dresser and wonders what it would have been like to grow up being a big sister.

We will never see Lindsey get married. I wondered as I read my friend’s words on Facebook  about her being depressed now that the wedding is over, if she remembers our youngest daughter would be the same age as her youngest daughter? We lost touch after Lindsey died and have only kept up a somewhat superficial friendship since. I think we are uncomfortable with each other. I would never deny her the joy of her daughter’s life and wonderful wedding.  I am happy for her and her family.
But I hope she has some thought/feeling for the baby girl of ours who now resides in Heaven. And maybe will not feel so depressed that the wedding is over.

Just a Note

I am feeling sad today. One of my sisters (the one who said she supported me! Go figure!) has obviously been avoiding me. The last few contacts we have had have been made by me. 4 weeks ago I invited my two sisters to lunch and it was rather tense. When I said I wouldn't be at Thanksgiving (they brought it up) because our dad would be there, they said nothing.

Two weeks went by, heard from my other sister but not from the one I have always been close to. So I called her. We had a conversation but again it seemed tense to me. Neither of us mentioned our dad who has obviously been a BIG topic of conversation between us for ever!

Anyway,now two weeks have gone by again and no word. We used to always talk at least weekly, if not more. I called on our mom's birthday,Veteran's Day, I totally forgot there would be no mail. So I called because it's my niece's birthday (her daughter) today and left a message saying my card would be late! My sis always calls back. She didn't.

I knew this might happen when I made the decision to no longer have contact with our dad but to be honest I am surprised. She is only seeing him out of duty. She has said she really has no feelings for him, doesn't give him a thought all week. I was the one who was more emotionally emeshed with him. But she was very emotionally emeshed with our mom and she feels mom would want her to continue to see him.  (I don't but that's OK)

I guess I thought we could continue our relationship even if I wasn't seeing dad but I knew my not being involved would upset the entire apple cart! My dad has always depended on me. I am the oldest of four daughters (one left long ago) and the one he called twenty times a day, in the middle of the night, expected to live with him etc. My sisters have never had any responsibility when it came to him. Now my youngest sister is "in charge" and she is probably feeling it.

I feel bad for her but we all have to make our own choices about how to live our lives. My sister is 12 years younger than me so she has lived much less life. : )  She is involved in a fundamentalist Christian church (no judgments toward anyone but trying to explain where she is coming from) and her husband is an abusive alcoholic.

So I have said to myself: She is living with an abuser , why would seeing my dad an hour a week be a problem? I also think she is very duty bound by her religion and her duty to our mom.

So anyway, this is no great essay or story, mainly a rambling journal entry of how sad I am feeling today and kind of lonely. I knew you ladies would understand. Thanks for listening.

PS. Does this not have spell check? I wrote right on the blog page. oh well, excuse spelling errors. : ) Wow lots of errors.

The UnFather

I am grieving the daddy I never had. The Leave it To Beaver/Father Knows Best daddy. I know these sorts of Dads aren’t “real”.  They are TV characters. But I have had friends who have been lucky enough to have had dads like these. When I hear some of my friends talk about their dads with soft voices full of admiration and love, I get nauseous.  Dads who tucked them in, took them for ice cream, played games and ball, and attended and participated in their activities such as ballet, piano recitals, school programs and carnivals. My husband is that kind of dad.

As a child, I invented a dad like that. He was imaginary (He was actually my version of The Rifleman, Chuck Conners) and I had many stories about him and my entire imaginary family. These stories helped me get through my day to day life as a child and survive my abusive childhood somewhat sane.

I have often felt guilty for feeling so sad and negatively about my childhood. I never went hungry; always had a bed to sleep in, a house, some of the time I even had my own room. Since getting older and working through many childhood issues, I am able to find some good childhood memories. Few include my family members unfortunately. My best childhood memories were when I was away from my home. Hiking out in the country, walking with a friend or my dog, swimming in a quarry pond we found off the railroad tracks. I have some warm memories as a very young child of my grandma and my uncle (my mother’s family) because I lived with them for almost the entire first five years of my life due to my mother’s illness.

I no longer resent or blame my parents for my childhood. I worked through this in therapy. I accept that they did the best they could, considering my dad was a practicing alcoholic, a narcissist and had a bad childhood himself. My mother was reacting to my father’s alcoholism and adultery and was on the brink of insanity herself. She eventually found help for herself and made amends to us. She went on to be a wonderful Grandma and she and I were close before she died.

Unfortunately, that has not yet happened with my father and probably won’t.
I feel sad for him; he is miserable and blames everyone but himself for his loneliness and unhappiness. I forgive him, bear him only good will and peace but am not willing to sacrifice my own sanity and serenity any longer just for the ability to say I visit him once a week. The hell and verbal abuse he subjected me to while putting in my time is not worth being able to say I still see my ‘dad”.

Apparently in our society it is OK to divorce an abusive spouse but not a relative. Why would anyone expect you to put up with someone, who constantly berates you, belittles you and your children, calls you nasty degrading names and speaks only in negativity and repeatedly makes racist and sexist comments? And also expects your constant attention, devotion and care? Sounds insane doesn’t it? Yet I have come up against a few people who think this way.

Our society also seems to see things in as black and white terms as I did growing up in an alcoholic family. Many think it is impossible to love a person and also let them go in order to save yourself. A friend said to me “maybe someday you will be able to forgive your father.” I have already forgiven him. This is NOT about forgiveness, resentment, getting even or anything negative to be very honest. I tried for fifty-five years to get along with my father. I changed and grew and he didn’t. I found I could no longer continue to be around him and survive. His abuse was not only affecting me emotionally, spiritually, mentally but also physically. The actual physical stress of coping with his negative onslaughts on a regular basis was killing me. If I continued, I have no doubts I may have died before he did.

Luckily, I have developed a wonderful support system of friends who support me and want only what is healthy and empowering in my life.
My husband and my daughters also feel the same way.

I have also experienced the amazing insight to see how much more serenity and happiness I have experienced since discontinuing this insanity. I no longer experience the stomachaches and migraines during the days leading up to my weekly “visit”. My blood pressure has gone down.  I feel free, probably for the first time in my entire fifty -five years of life. And I refuse to waste any more time either feeling guilty for apparently not being the daughter my father requires or regretting all the years I wasted trying to gain my father’s approval and love.

My sister said to me ”You will feel guilty when he dies”. Well, I may, and if I do, I will work through it with the help of God, therapy and friends.
But to be honest, I doubt that I will. Because I have learned so much in these fifty-five years and I own all my own “stuff “ and I will allow him to own his. I know deep inside that I tried loved and worked all my life to be a good daughter. In order to gain my dad’s love and approval. And it didn’t work.
I have learned the only person’s approval I need is my own. I know I have a beautiful honest soul and that I am enough just the way I am. And I also know my God loves me and relishes my creativity and wondrous spirit.
For me, that is enough.

Do You Feel JOY?

I recently participated in a five-week discussion about becoming authentic, loving ourselves and feeling JOY. It seemed more women were willing to discuss what was wrong with them than speak about joy. Does that mean we don’t allow ourselves to feel joy, we don’t know what it is or we just don’t want to discuss it?

About fifteen years ago when I was in therapy, my therapist asked me when I last felt joy. I think I said “when my daughters were born” That was true enough but actually pretty sad since my daughters were teens by then.  Don’t get me wrong. I felt good about a lot of things. But JOY? Did I have joy on too high a pedestal? Like ecstasy or some profound emotion only experienced if you witnessed the face of God?
Since then I have worked on many issues in my life: depression, disability, patience, finding serenity, forgiveness, peace, stillness, loving myself and have finally realized in the last few months, I have been experiencing JOY!

It has come in short small bursts like little bubbles and at times loud explosions similar to fireworks. Both are equally wonderful and fulfilling. Joy has also been experienced along with serenity, contentment, passion, fun and stillness.

I think the difference between now and fifteen years ago is: I am experiencing JOY in my soul rather than my head. I was trying too hard, dissecting it, defining it, wanting to be JOY perfect. Since then and after all the hard work I have done, I am into letting it go (whatever IT is), loving myself and others, forgiving myself and others and just BEING.
Therefore, I have been more open and free to feel JOY.

All kinds of JOY.

Joy in the scent of a cinnamon candle or a Heritage rose blossom.

Joy  delighting in the play of my golden retrievers or a hug of support from a dear friend.

Joy in setting my eyes on the majesty of Long’s Peak or my grandson in his Halloween costume.

Joy in a friend’s words of affinity or a poem by Mary Oliver.

I could make a list that went on for pages and pages. Which to me is a miracle!!!

Joy I have found is wherever and whatever we choose to call it.
May you find JOY.

100 Things I Am Grateful For

(I make a Gratitude List every day but the 100 list idea I got from Katherine Center)


1) Time
2) Mashed potatoes
3) Leather recliners
4) Golden Retrievers (of course this should be NO. 1)
5) Great pens
6) Blue skies, especially in autumn
7) Monarchs
8) The Eagles (both the band and the bird)
9) Living My Own Truth
10) Soft socks
11) David Austin Roses
12) Soft fleece blankets
13) Estes Park Colorado
14) Wonderful women bloggers
15) Clean Nebraska air
16) Valentino’s black olive and mushroom pizza
17) COFFEEE
18) My gorgeous loving daughters
19) Caramel berber carpet (goes great with golden retrievers!)
20) Four Seasons (the actual seasons , not the hotel)
21) Jacuzzi’s
22) Rocking chairs
23) Big yummy sea scallops
24) My wonderful grandchildren
25) Puffs Plus!
26) DVR
27) Breathing (I know this seems like a given but I have asthma)
28) Asthma meds
29) Breastfeeding
30) James Taylor
31) Trees
32) Dead trees
33) Pottery
34) Books
35) Dragonflies
36) My Mom’s potato salad
37) Swimming
38) Long’s Peak
39) Dill pickles
40) Air conditioning
41) Tastefully Simple’s Creamy Wild Rice Soup
42) Counseling
43) Honest loving friends
44) White sand
45) Morning smooches from my hubby
46) Freedom
47) Daisies
48) Movies (I could list all my favorite movies but that would take up all 100)
49) Velour yoga pants
50) Low humidity
51) Pooper scoopers
52) Highlights (for hair)
53) Coffee houses
54) Mary Oliver
55) Collage
56) Mushrooms (edible)
57) Wolves
58) Four wheel drive
59) Energy
60) Lavender
61) Porch swings
62) Slow dancing
63) My husband’s job/paycheck
64) Born (the shoes)
65) Asparagus
66) My favorite novelists (this too would be a VERY long list)
67) Time to read. : )
68) Sunsets
69) The Serenity Prayer
70) Selka and Gunner (my goldens) and my past goldens Shammy, Sophie and Max
71) Being human
72) Bracelets
73) A Charlie Brown Christmas
74) That I loved being a counselor for thirty years
75) Babies
76) Democracy
77) That I can walk
78) My hair (what little I have left)
79) My soft comfortable bed
80) Massage
81) College football
82) Oatmeal
83) Nail polish
84) Laptops
85) All my neighborhood birds (cardinals, finches, robins, chickadees)
86) Good shower water pressure
87) Martha Beck
88) Laughter
89) A good bra
90) Yoga (and Rodney Yee)
91) Singing in the car
92) Candles
93) Nachos
94) The Dunraven Inn ( a great restaurant in Estes Park)
95) Fuchsia
96) Dangly earrings
97) Chenille
98) Bob Seger
99) AA
100) Being with and loving my husband for thirty years.

Well, I could go on and on but I’m sure you are bored by now.
Make your own list and keep adding. : )

No Topic Thursday

I have been sick with the crappy flu for a week and a half. So I don’t really have any great insights and I haven’t done much besides cough, sniff, blow my nose, gasp for breath, cough some more, snuggle under a blanket with the dogs, watch movies and sleep when I’m not coughing. I have drank herb tea, sipped wonderful soup, taken Mucinex, Echinacea, zinc and Vicksed myself all over.

I have read some when my head wasn’t aching. I am reading Martha Beck’s The Joy Diet, Marian Woodman, Patty Digh’s Life is A Verb and some great articles in the new O magazine. I’ve also been involved in a great discussion based on Brene’ Brown’s new book on perfectionism, being authentic and feeling worthy of love.

I find it so sad that our society does not value girls and no wonder girls don’t value themselves. We as WOMEN need to work to change that. If girls start to love and value themselves, there would be no more eating disorders, addiction to sex, shopping, hoarding, alcohol/ drugs and all the social addictions. We wouldn’t have that big hole inside ourselves we are always trying to fill with something else. I bet there wouldn’t be any more domestic violence either because women wouldn’t look twice at the charming man who is throwing up red flags all over the place!
We’d be strong, fulfilled and have many ways to have our needs met, not from one man.
Today all I can do is nurture myself. Tell myself I am enough. I am lovable, artistic, loving, warm, intelligent and wonderful!!! And then believe it!
You can love yourself too. And spread the word!

The GREAT Dream

What is your GREAT Dream?

Do you have a GREAT dream? Something you have always wanted to do, or be or make?
The dream you have always been afraid to say aloud. The dream you didn’t even realize WAS a dream maybe. Just a foggy feeling in your heart or gut.

Maybe it’s something you wanted to do or be as a child and let it go, like a helium balloon we somehow let escape from our fingers, that floated up, up to the clouds and out of sight.

Or maybe you are older now and have felt a tugging, an urge to do something. But you are afraid.  Afraid of failure. Or maybe even success.
Because if you did succeed, THEN what would you do? You’d have to follow through, right? Or not.

Or maybe you are afraid people will think you are stupid, or your idea is dumb, or whatever it is will be ugly. That no one will want it. Or that there really is no way for you to succeed or for the dream to come true. So you bury it and don’t speak of it. Or even acknowledge the dream exists.

I have had many dreams. Some have come true. (To marry and be a mother) Some I chose not to follow. Like becoming a veterinarian and running a homeless dog ranch. (That was my dream as a twelve -year old)

At nineteen, I wanted to become a counselor, so I worked, searched out resources, went to college and became a counselor. For thirty years. But it really wasn’t my GREAT dream.

I also always loved to write poetry. I have since studied, written and had my poetry published. When anyone would push me to submit more, I balked. I thought I had writer’s block. I realize now, it wasn’t my great dream.

Then when my friend wrote a book and had it published, I thought ”That has been my dream!” To write a book. So I have been writing off and on (more off) and now I am wondering if it isn’t my Great dream after all.

I have been ill and have been forced to take it easy, silence and solitude can work wonders. I had felt like I was wasting time, wasting my GREAT dream. Time was passing and I was idle. I wasn’t finding and actually doing my passion! Illness forced me to BE STILL
So I am being gentle with myself. Not pushing as hard. Just being. Doing things I love. Like writing some. Making collage. Playing with my golden retrievers. Having coffee and talking with friends. About who we are and what we want. And discussing our GREAT dream . I am thinking my GREAT DREAM is now. To become the person I have always wanted to be. Serene. Humble. Loving. Kind.  Doing the things I love. Being, really BEING with those I love. THAT is IT.

Insights

It has been a week of much growth and many insights for me.
There are times I hold little minute pity parties because I have chronic illnesses and cannot do many of the activities I used to be able to enjoy. Like walking very far, hiking, dancing, gardening, working at my career of being a counselor and obedience training with my dogs.
Sometimes I have felt I am in limbo, waiting to be healthy again and return to my life.

But this week looking back, I realized I am living a full spirit led life!
Saturday night, my writing group did a poetry reading, that was so fun!

Sunday was my grandson’s first birthday party which also was a blast and so great to spend time with my loving family.

Monday and Tuesday I spent time with new and old friends whom I always learn from and gain so much support. We share new ideas and insight, which results in growth!

I belong to Golden Retriever Rescue and on Wed. I did an assessment of an eleven year old golden who is being surrendered by his lifetime owners. Tomorrow I will pick up this sweet pup, take him to the vet for a check up and treatment and then on to a foster home till he finds his new loving forever home.

This week was a week of sadness also as several deaths occurred in the lives of dear friends. My childhood best friend’s mother passed away and a friend of my dear friends who is close to my age died from a heart attack. I also found out that a former client of mine had died months ago and I never knew.
Besides being very sad, it was such a reminder to cherish each moment we have here, love and appreciate the people in your life and always be grateful for the gifts in your life!
Tonight is our favorite college team’s BIG GAME so we’ll eat chili and cheer on the Huskers!
Tomorrow I get to deliver that eleven year old golden retriever to his new life and Saturday I am attending a wonderful women’s workshop called The Feminine Soul!

Saturday is also my oldest daughter’s thirty- fifth birthday!!!!  I will enjoy so many memories of bringing this gorgeous child/now woman and mother into the world. We will celebrate together sometime soon, as she will be spending her birthday cheering on her favorite hockey team!

As I look at this one week in my life, I see all the joy, insight, sharing and love I have experienced in just seven days!!!!  Life is so good, regardless of whether I can run or not!!!

I hope you see all the learning moments in your week!!!!

The Nurturer

Walk through the wide archway, tangled with blushing roses,
Step past the salvia and thyme which lace the stepping stones.
Lay down your mother in law
and her cancerous breast on the pine table.

Let go of your daughter
who seldom calls or writes and
the fact that you thought you had taught her better than that,
let alone the hurt that aches at her name.


Lay down in the hammock between two willows
or the mountain top or
even the salty white sand by the sea.

Across your eyes and forehead, place the moist lavender pillow.
Breathe in the cool dry air of the ponderosa pine or the warm ocean breezes.

Taste the pineapple juice on your tongue,
allow the lime of icy crystals to bite and melt in your mouth.
Absorb the soft sensation of sweet and sour soup and soothe the sensitive stomach.

The wind and bird song play gentle in your ears
as the masseuse lays hands on your oiled body
and your dogs soft fur moves beneath your fingers.

As they massage your temples and the weight of worries flies on the back of a falcon to an old dead tree,
allow the nurturer to free you
and comfort every aching and grieving cell your body yearns to set on it’s way.

You are just as you need to be.
Breathe in and out.
Let go that great sigh
you have held in for so long.

Let the eagle carry you safely over the mountain.
Lie in the warm gulf waters
as the waves lap around you and the
stars blink to show you the way.

You are enough.

Nuture Yourself

Nurture Yourself
As a substance abuse counselor for twenty - eight years I worked with hundreds of women who needed to nurture themselves.
Needed to appreciate who they were. A beautiful person with so many unique qualities!
These women had spent years hating themselves and filling that hate hole with alcohol/drugs and many other self hating behaviors.

When they came to treatment, besides stopping the use of alcohol or drugs , they needed to learn to do something else. Something positive to take care of themselves and live a richer full life!
As a counselor, I have used this exercise to teach my clients to nurture themselves after I first developed and used it for myself.

Think of your five senses.
Taste,
Smell,
Touch,
Hearing and
Sight.


Then think of different things that nurture you in each of these areas.
List them. Here is my current list

Lavender, Salvia, Catmint and Russian Sage in my garden

The smell of roasting coffee beans.

Sitting in Rocky Mountain National Park in autumn watching the elk rut, hearing them bugle.

Th Eagles singing “Desperado” or anything for that matter.

The clean dry pine air, the beautiful gold of the aspens.

Snuggling with my golden retrievers.

The smell of Noxema

Having a slumber party with my three daughters, watching our favorite movie “When Harry Met Sally”

The smell and sight of lilacs from my deck

Rocking out to Night Moves by Bob Seger while driving

A Mocha Grande with one of my girlfriends

Heavenly Blue Morning Glories

Floating in the warm gulf waters

Reading “The Velveteen Rabbit”

Lying on a blanket at the foot of Long’s Peak

Driving down I 80 in my Jeep in Spring, seeing Bald Eagles perched on dead trees by the Platte and cranes in the fields

Taking my golden retrievers to Wilderness Park and Estes Park Dog Park

Sight and smell of my own David Austin Roses in a vase or in the garden

Watching tapes of Michael Jordan at his peak, as well as Joe Montana.

Watching college football in the fall.

Chocolate mint pie at Tico’s.

Reading “The Night Before Christmas”

Dinner with my husband at Misty’s, one of our favorite restaurants eating their shrimp bisque, fried shrimp and baked potato

My comfy leather couch and a good novel by a favorite author

Sitting by the fire in the Estes cabin.

Reading to my grandsons or cuddling a grandbaby

Listening to Michael Buble sing “Home”

Reading “Goodnight Moon” by Margaret Wise Brown

Clean 1000TC sheets in my own bed.

Now make your own list. Put it where you will see it every day. Read it. You will feel better.